No Cake for You Biatch!!!!

2008-11-17T11:46:00.000-08:00

slap em up and slap down, here right now, don't know how long I will stick around...

busy busy founding a new town...

well not soo much but who gives a fuck..

lemme see...... becoming a jew

kinda dating a few

got me a class

no one has fallen on thier ass
yet....

so there.. in a nutshell my last year

good, good that was painless

if you were wondering....

2008-09-15T04:26:00.000-07:00

I have just been like uber busy with life and love and my gorgeous monkeys..... Have thrown myself head first into the fitness gig and love it, but it is a very time consuming gig...

love ya.....

2008-05-06T06:59:00.000-07:00

there is something magical about the lil assortment of pics that flash across my screen... this one has eyes that could make me melt, this one has a lil devilish smile that makes me want to grab him and kiss him hard... this one looks like he would make a great dad, and this one has a nice car... the magical world of Internet dating, the flatness of the screen doesn't deter me from making them all real.... in my mind... i forever live in romance land, where all my dreams come true... it could happen, right?? ya never know.... it could, it very much still could... lil lines of text and chat scroll across my screen, I can make him want me with my witty banter and caring concern, I remember birthdays and holidays and wish him well, even if not returned... could bachelor number 15111557 be the one... ya never know... do ya, ya never know..... It happened once, it could happen again... could it? couldn't it?? 10,000 members online.. he might be on right now... never mind the distance... it could happen....

right??

or not... I am loosing faith people....

The Ghost Trolley tours....

2008-04-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

Just got back from a mini vay cay with the monkeys... trailed off to Savannah... which is soooo pretty I am already looking at rentals, it is indeed that pretty and awesome.. such a great vibe, all emo and kool with the art students, and true form southerners, sipping mint juleps on the veranda... pretty pretty town.... did the trolley tours and learned some history, some that will floor you and some that made ya say a lil "nooo way!!!" saw the church that Martin Luther King delivered his "I have a dream" speech and sifted through grave sites that had been ransacked and vandalized by soldiers during the civil war.

Cotton mills turned to classrooms and mortuaries turned to b and b's.... it is truly an amazing town... we hit the beaches on Tybee island, and ate at lil kitchy beach dives.... had Jack Sparrow entertain us at the Pirate House, and ventured out late at night to hear ghost stories... my lil ones loved that the most. Got pecan pralines and lunches of fried green tomatoes... all in all it was fab, and really truly have the best time with

my monkey pups.. they are some traveling lil fools....

Gardening monkeys!

2008-04-10T07:28:00.000-07:00

Spring Break project number 1, build garden... we have a small area to work with and monkeys who lose interest in about mmmm in the immortal words of Chuck Woolery 2 min and 2 seconds, so area and project needed to be small, easy and full of variety... and so we turned a small patch of mud into a mini grassy play area... now although this looks fairly normal, keep in mind, this started as a mud pit. We found each rock, and brought them up one by one, we stole moss from the park, and brought it home, piecing it together like a live puzzle... we did buy the sod, evident in the pics by corners and what not.... but we dug up clovers and wild flowers and moved them in, bit by bit.. The container garden will hopefully flourish and bring forth several types of mints, for tea, and such, raspberries, tomatoes, and green beans... I will have to post some more pics as everything starts to grow.. wee monkeys did all the planting and the filling in of the dirt... they have lil tiny green thumbs... sooooo cute...

go fish, I have no knights....

2008-03-08T17:35:00.000-08:00

I have no knights, not a single one....

eruption at my place, massive mess.... nearly a year of pushing me tooo far, all in one moment, I toppled to the other side... I just couldn't take it anymore... my face flushed and anger took over.... if you have followed my mess, I have an evil stepfather that for the last year has sneakily flirted and annoyingly tried to gain my attention... But I have always thought he was a raging prick.. since the first moment I met him, so his advances are always met with me being completely disagreeable and clear, with the stick drawing the line in the sand... but still it has continued, and me being a very very non confrontational type of person, dealt with it, suppressed all the frustration and anger, and didn't want to cause my mother any pain... and in an effort of self preservation, didn't want it turned on me, as if it was my fault... and so for the last year, I coped, and avoided, and somehow, me wanting to just be left alone was turned into me somehow being the bad guy... me making him uncomfortable, me being mean to him... he bitched to my mother, and I dealt with her being angry at me for being soooo "horrible" to him...

and sooo yesterday, after yet another annoying text from the prick, I wrote, "I am sick of the passive aggressive bullshit, I am sick of being made to feel massively uncomfortable, please just leave me alone!" which he had the nerve to call my mother and tell her, how horrible I am.... and as my phone rang, her screaming at me, I lost it, and I told her... I told her about the love letters and the presents and all the shit I have had to deal with.... and I was met with silence, and then a request for proof... and as I sat there, sorting through emails, and sending it all, I had my first major panic attack... my right side frozen in pain, pain that was so ridiculous, I was convinced I was having a heart attack, my heart rate sooo fast I couldn't control it, my head becoming dizzy, and I felt as if I couldn't get enough oxygen, I sat still, not sure what was happening... and ever soo scared... I can feel my body fading into the same dizzy feeling as I type this... I hate this... I hate it all....

even after it was all said and done, she rationalized his behavior, "men get confused" and "I knew this was a risk letting you live here..." and somehow I didn't really get the impression that she cared... that she cared about how ridiculous this has been for me, or that she cared that her husband is a selfish asshole... and now my life is even more uncomfortable... and I hate it all the more....

and what I kinda hate even more is that of the two men that I see on a regular basis, both of which know the score, upon request neither of them, could keep me company that night... to just make me feel safe... and be there in some sort of capacity, to make me feel better.... and I felt even more alone... I realized I am on an island by myself, me and the monkeys... and I really need to fasten a raft and escape...

my baby turned beast...

2008-02-27T15:49:00.000-08:00

home matters kinda suck ass.... my gorgeous dog, decided she had reached adulthood and would become a well to put it simple, bossy and dangerous... a violent outburst put my mother's dog in the hospital, and marked the first first time, my Roxy didn't listen to me... and hasn't listened since.... she has lashed out in angry alpha female crazies that has her going back to her original owner come Easter.. to put it simple, she is a work dog, she was bred to work, she has come into her own and we realized she does not make a good or safe family dog.. my head has hurt with heartbreak and stress, to have to get into the middle of a massive dog fight, was scary, to have to literally throw my dog with all my strength was painful, a bad sprain resulted and now am on painkillers to ease the bloated thing that is my hand... my heart aches for my kids, two of which saw the event and are scared to death, and two of which are ever sooo sad, for they love their Roxy sooo much... and don't understand the sudden change... We will keep Jett, and love his big silly self... get him fixed, and put him in obedience training and incorporate him into the house... Roxy stalks the house looking for her prey, she has been crazed to finish the job, the poor lil dog swollen and stitched has to be carried down the front steps and watched, as Roxy can smell him and about tears down the gate to get to him... the whole thing is just sad... I hate, for my kids to part with the baby turned beast that is our Roxy... I hate to be unsuccessful at yet another pet... I hate that she will have to leave, she is like my fifth baby... but in solace, I know that she will go back to a great home, with an amazing trainer, and she will be on a race team with her moms and pops and prob run in Alaska, in the next couple of years... she will be grand but we are left heartbroken...

deep breath, life is hard... to have kids, is to have pets.... to have pets is to have to make choices.... choices in what is in best interest for the kids... kids don't always understand.... after much talk with trainers it was concluded that the possibility of her turning on the smaller monkeys is possible, her alpha female role is to enforce the rules, the fight took place cuz I was telling the dogs to be quiet, one didn't listen, she made it so he had to... what is to say, I am outside with the monkeys, scolding them for something or another and she doesn't feel they are listening..... gawd the thought rings in my head like a horrible nightmare... anxiety causing me to seek answers... ones I didn't want to hear....

sorry to ramble on and on.... just had to wrap my head around it all....

will take a bitch out for some skim milk...

2008-02-25T17:18:00.000-08:00

tuning out lil scooby watching monkeys, wish something was good on tonight...

saw Jumper- it was mildly entertaining, alas Darth Vadar doesn't translate to earth so well.... and that lame chick from the OC can go back to sucking dick in lot trailers, as she can't act....

and why tell me why do that dye that man's hair to white, he looks like Wesley Snipes in that movie where he died his hair white.. what the fuck was that... why does Judge Dread come to mine, I don't think that is it...

I hate asking for skim milk at starbucks, why not just put in one of those lovely carafe's on the counter, next to the handfuls of equal I will be swiping to add to my possibly cancer free due to mass chemically induced bod... but noooo the chick behind the counter says, "no one orders coffee so they keep it behind the counter" I turn around and look around in mocked distaste, fuck we are in starbucks- coffee.... right coffee??? whatever just hand me the gallon... bitch...

monkeys sick, stuck home....

need break.... missed my class, and my workout, and all that jazz... am grumpy...

last friday.....

2008-02-20T04:54:00.000-08:00

my ex-husband denies he drunk dialed me a few nights ago.... says it wasn't in his call records therefore must not be true.... whatever.... he is an ass, and I deal with him purely for the sake of the kids.... he showed up for a few random moments last week... caught me on the eve, of a wicked case of stomach virus/food poisoning, not sure which, all I know was, I was barfing up bile and veggies all night... anyhoo, he comes into town, with his lil negative cloud, and visits the kids.... he hangs out for about 1.5 hours and then claims tiredness and goes off to bed... they all become emotional and he doesn't understand why.... how does one not understand why??? how???? I hate what he does to their lil perfect hearts, I hate how he makes them feel, I hate how he makes me feel... he paces my living room floor, looking at the photos I have taken of the kids, black and whites, I am quite proud of them, they bring forth the quiet spirit that lays underneath all the chaos that is children... their lil tiny souls show in these pics, and I lovingly display them... He comments, "looks like you copied your dad's pics" ummmm.... growing up in a competitive household, that comment cuts... deep... and my pride just stripped... as if I had deliberately copied a certain style... and those are no longer my own... whatever... his lil tricks to gain the upper hand... he plays with the kids, they all compete for space next to him on the couch... it is quite sad... I sit on the other couch, intermittently having to excuse myself to barf and gag.... my kids, unsure what or how to move from minute to minute... I have said it was ok, for him to crash in the guest room upstairs... he excuses himself to go to bed, and all four ask to cuddle with me, in my warm big bed... my stomach growls out loud, and I wrap my wings around them and bring them near... they all sleep restless, lil arms and legs hitting me, and then reaching out to draw me near... Morning comes and he doesn't rise to wish them off to school... not a surprise, same old Anthony, too self absorbed to notice the lil things that mean so much... He comes down the steps, 20 minutes later, and says he is on his way out, has to be 30 minutes away in about 4 hours but ya never know how traffic will be...???? whatever, just leave... he cares merely for what the lil ones look like, are they pretty enough to show off, are do they have the features that look like his own... not what ticks and tocks on the inside.. not the lil broken hearts that pitter pat in the middle of the night, not the pieces that must be glued back together again... what will I do, if I ever run out of paste?? I spend extra time since his dismissal reading story books at night, helping with new found confusion that is the division of fractions and tending to my twin monkey's love of cooking, they got colourful spatulas and practiced making cookie crumbs last night...I have given up on dating once again, as I began to wonder if it was affecting my oldest boy.... he seemed concerned and brought up the concept of ex boyfriends a few too many times... I think an all or nothing type of venture would be the only effect that would work, as it just seems to easy to change a mind, a fancy or to play games with one's head... I only want to be happy, to give my monkeys a full and happy life... it just seems soo hard to make it all work sometimes, that sooo many outside, inside and destructive lil factors seem to work against my lil master plan...

My Three 4 Free

2008-02-17T12:35:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, I entered a lil contest- at Danbo's lil blog..... something about a three for free type a thing... I was expecting to win, but alas the benavolent ruler of the roost said, no... no.... not that I didn't win, that there was no winners, as he loved us all the same...

Which I still think is a load of crap... someone has misplaced his cajones....

so in the spirit of lack of better things to write, I am gonna copy and paste my tidits here and give you three totally random songs that I pulled out my ass, but I like them... and they are good songs, and you will like them too.... and if you don't... fuck it, I could have chosen some Air Supply or even some more Nick Lachey...

Still in Hollywood, Concrete Blonde

What- before the band went all gothic lullabies and sad songs that made me want to stab my legs with lead pencils, there was a happy lil diddy that made you want to run away to Hollywood, shop overpriced vintage on Melrose, and drunkenly stumble up the steps to your roach infested apartment/Travel lodge on the strip... Great garage band feel that instantly makes you want to bob your head, sport a sexy lil snarl, and twirl about as the chorus hits, "I'm Still in Hollywood, ohhh yeah thought I'd be out of here by now" and personal adopted "we've got nothing to gain and nothing to lose!" whoa, that sounds about right....

When- when you realize that you haven't made it yet.... pause deep breath, and repeat- yet..... when all your lil creative dreams and delusions of grandeur are only mocked poses in a dirty mirror and your headlines are the ones that no one sees.... yet....... so you twirl about a bit, sport that lil head bob, and sexy lil snarl and smile to yourself knowing it is only a matter of time....

Feeling Stronger Every Day- Chicago

What- hell yeah I know old... old, old, old song but a great song.... a slow 70's classic rock song that starts slow and harmonious and then goes into a momentous build to a great burst of energy that makes the world disappear for just a minute.. Classic Chicago, a bit of big band horns, and that distinctive Peter Cetera lock jaw short yet soothing bursts of words.

When- when your pissed.... and love/work/(insert your own hardship here) has gone wrong yet again... and you just need a pick me up song... when writing crappy lil moments in your journal, and singing sad songs doesn't get you anywhere... bust out the 70's power songs, feel the horns, feel that huge drum beat, and just shake it all off....

Balls to the Wall- Accept

What- My personal favorite of all times heavy fuckin Metal song! A true under appreciated and overlooked anthem... The best, absolute best adrenaline building song, the dig your heels in and stand your ground song! The, I can take on the whole friggin world and kick some serious ass song... Strange lil German band, albino gay midget screeching hellion, that breaks out the chorus, You got your balls to wall with true power and fist in the air spirit.

When- Hell, whenever... When you are about to embark on anything that you need to get pumped up for... for that first mile, of many that you have no idea how you will make it through... For standing in the mirror and getting ready for the all important job interview, for that blind date, for anything really... When you need an anthem and a theme song!!

Who says, I don't need it???

2008-02-14T08:46:00.000-08:00

Big Poppa says, I am a cool chick who, doesn't need a commercialized day like Valentine's day to feel loved. Bullshit..... yeah I do... and on this pink and crappy day, I would actually really like that.... it would actually really be nice for once to actually have someone, fuck anyone buy me something all girly and cute, and pink, with those lil crap lace heart cut outs and bows and ribbons and such.... color me bitter, but on reflecting back over my thirty six years of life, I have actually never gotten a valentines day gift, from a man... (not counting the lovely things my monkeys make me, but we are not talking about them.....) I was married- still nope, I got drunk husband on the couch who thought it would be a great gift if I blew him while he listened to latin music and dreamt about other girls, far far away... I dated, but always dated shitty broke guys... this year I am realizing I am done with sorta kinda boyfriend after our late night conversation on Monday... we sat cuddled on the couch watching some travel channel holiday excursion to Hawaii, and it was pretty cool, there are some fun things to do there, I sooooo want to go, so I casually blurt out, "we should go to hawaii..." only to be met with, "who? us? together, like at the same time??" and me kinda dumbfounded says, "yeah, it looks awesome!" "why, why would we do that?" he bluntly responds... "cuz vacations rock!" I roll my eyes, already knowing where this is going... He goes into a little speal, telling me, I am cute and all, but he can only stand to be with me for short amounts of time, "you are cool for a couple of hours, four tops but I don't think I could handle you for more than that" and he says, I am "too excitable and talk too much" I take a deep breath, and say, "yeah you can go home now, we are near that two hour mark".... and realize prob the last time I will see him... ex-husband found me annoying too... that my goofy inpromptu dances and excitement for life, were embarrassing and irritated him... and so I sulk, and I am beginning to think that 36 years of not a single valentine declaration or gift, hand-made, man-made or cut from carbon metals, might kinda be a reflection of myself... and yes this sounds soooo totally self loathing and sad, but still..... I mean for real.... I don't think I am all that crappy of a girlfriend, wife, hell a random fuck, but it does not seem as if I all that worthy of a gift, a card, or a fucking doily pasted on a piece of cardboard crap with some sappy sentiment printed in black bold ink... or flowers, I have actually never ever gotten flowers... or one of those pretty candy hearts with chocolates...

yup, I am grumpy.....

and I look fat today....

need a nap....

Round tables rock the casbah...

2008-02-12T07:57:00.000-08:00

I get up every morning and start it pretty much the same way... but today my lil brain was pounding... woke with a mad crazy headache, realizing this was due to a total caffiene withdrawl, as I was broke and didn't buy any soda's yesturday, soooooo my mind was a hurting, I can feel it melting away as I sip my glorious cup of coffee.... coffee sweet coffee, how I love you soo.... coffee, yogurt and some raisin walnut oatmeal, my breakfast of choice..A girlfriend of mine marvels at the my lil pathetic date life, she ponders outloud, how nice it must be to have so many potential boy toys, but I am still most unhappy.... I don't want lots of potential boy toys, I want just one, just one perfect one... one to cuddle with on the couch, that on commercial break will flip me over and pound the shit out of me, and a couple hours later have great dramatic debates over nothing.... the dating game is all cute and games, but I don't think I like it... it strokes the ego but doesn't heal the heart... a very good friend once said, I have to give new people the chance to "amaze me" but amazing is oddly the word that describes said friend the best... and how does one trump that. Everyone else has failed to even captivate my attention for even a couple of days... and at the end of every day, I still kinda deep breath it, and cuddle with myself on the couch to watch my favorite crap shows... and look at the empty space next to me, and say, awwww that kinda sucks...so fitness instructor life is hard core..... so much to learn so much to do, and who knew there was instructor drama at every curve... One gym, has been so supportive, and helpful, and has made effort to keep me motivated and focused... the other, well the other one, had me crying in a bathroom stall wondering why I even bothered to try.... I am finding myself in this whole venture, it is hard, very very hard to get up in front of people, the girl who flunked every public speaking class I ever attempted in college is having mad internal struggles with the whole thing, but I think if I retain my sense of goofy self, then I am ok.... I taught a class to a packed house last friday, which oddly and painfully included 4 other instructors, intimidation just rocked my core, but I pulled out my inner American Gladiator, and it went well, so well in fact when I was done with my set, the gym director exclaimed in front of everyone that she was soooo proud of me, and my confidence slowly yet triumphantly returned.. and yesturday, as I threatned the class with breakdancing and busted out with the "classic superstar pose" (SNL- Molly Shannon for those of you who are like, what the hell??) at the end of lunges, I thought for a second, that I might actually get or be good at this..... and sooo...... another day begins.... thank you coffee, the headache has melting away... caffiene is my friend....

ohhh yeah, it is my again in my classic myspace cliche shots... why I love these I will never know.... and yes i know I block a bit... but only cuz stalkers are just sooo not fun, to get rid of, paperwork is a bitch...

Get your ass moving~~~

2008-02-02T06:05:00.000-08:00

as requested- my current run like a loon playlist... don't laugh, seriously, for a metal girl, these songs are sooooooo against the grain of my former self... but they are all contagious, beat boppin, sorta kinda gay dance songs that make you want to pound your lil trainers into the pavement and feel the wind in your hair...

Amazing (Thin White Duke Version)-- Seal - a nice lil building song, it fits well with a fast pace walk as you get your muscles movin...

Lola's Theme (radio edit)-- Shape UK - fun lil song.... good song to start off with... get your feet movin.... and chanting it out with the chorus.... "I'm a different person, turn my world around" good theme... good anthem....

World Hold On (Original Mix) -- Bob Sinclair - Open up your heart what do you feel....... (winded yet????) naahhhhhhh....... I can't think of a better time to say...... something a bit contagious about the whistling, I dunno... I can't whistle for shit, so I kinda hum along...

See the Light-- Paradise - this is actually a song that is on my track list for the classes I am teaching, it builds and builds and then throws you in the air... gotta let yourself feel it...

Piece of Me -- Britney Spears - good, trying to cross the road song and the car making a right turn in doesn't want to stop to let you, throw your hands up gangsta style and give em the mocked, "what, what, you wanna piece of me??" or don't... I don't.... but you could, if you wanted to...

I Go Crazy (Giuseppe D's Euro Madness Mix)-- D.H.T. - another track list we use it for lunges, this is a long song, so remember somewhere in the world I am making people suffer through 5 minutes of lunges... good happy yet kinda sad song..

Kernkraft 400-- Zombie Nation - this is your stadium song, close your eyes, they are all cheering for you... we all need an applause box, that we could open and a million lil tiny people would cheer us through those crap moments...

The Sun Always Shines on TV-- Milk INC. - lil remake that gives your feet a certain lightness and your body a slight feeling of flight... I know not for real, but you have to imagine...

Sandstorm -- Darude -I know old as hell, but a dance classic just the same, no work out is the same without it... great build, diversity and hold... you want to just release the break and push yourself for this one, no matter how many times you hear it...

White Lies (radio edit) -- Paul Van Dyk featuring Jessica Sutta - just a good coasting song... need the tune out song, legs are beginning to get a bit tired, so match your steps to the beat and refocus on the work you are doing... can't get enough, can't get enough.... c'mon almost there....

Destination Calabria-- Alex Gaudino featuring Crystal Waters - almost the end.... need a good gay anthem to get you there, go girl... you gotta work, you can see your destination....

What's Left of Me (Passengerz Remix) -- Nick Lachey - don't talk shit about my man Nick Lachey... he is a hottie.... I would sooo do him... ha, but a good hop and skip and a jump to a walk.... gotta cool down.... get yourself sick if ya don't....

so that is my current playlist that I am running my ass off too....

it is what it is....

2008-01-30T05:36:00.000-08:00

I kinda like the new boy... we talk for hours about nothing really.... I love that shit... I think I just need a whole lotta beginnings cuz the middle and hell the end always sorta suck... my sorta kinda boyfriend finally answered his phone and is taking me to a movie tonight, so maybe I will spring out with "the talk" I don't want to play needy chick, but then again I want to know if this is going anywhere... if not then I accept it for what it is, but I will start exploring other options... it is just... just.... just... gawd, I despise difficulty...

but new boy is awfully sweet.... but alas too short... I like my boys tall and I really thinks this one is well, about my height and I am short... soo ahem..... but he looks just like the cutie from Matchbox 20 with really gorgeous blue eyes... total sucker for blue eyes.. so we shall see.....

a bit worn out to be honest... I have been co-teaching everyday... it is a bit stressful on the body... I haven't had much of a chance to do any sort of cardio lately, so when I hopped on the treadmill last night, I ran full out for 45 minutes, although I sweat like a stuffed pig, and probably look nuts, I could feel all the shortness and tightness in my muscles release and I felt free for just a bit... not beats to count, no choreography to fuck up... no talking, just running... awww.... then back up again this morning at the early early time of 5 am... I know these tracks backwards and forwards, but something happens and your memory just blows and you loose bits and pieces and I find it frustrating, cuz I want soo badly to just excel... but I have to also realize that I am indeed just learning and it will all come... but still my body hurts... I made an awesome awesome playlist for running and am gonna hit up the Y in just a bit, and release the tension....

2008-01-28T05:13:00.000-08:00

me, sore, tired.....

me, confused on what to do.... sorta kinda boyfriend is the best cuddle bug in the kingdom, but he lacks in all sorts of departments... what happens to the great beginning emails and phone calls that happen in the beginning... all the talk that never seems to end, where you are soooo anxious and excited to learn something new about the other person, to know all the stupid shit they did in their day???? what they ate, what they are wearing... when will you see each other again.... mmmm.... it has only been four months, we barely speak, I get a nice text here and there... but yeah the magic is fizzling away... so I went out with someone new... and he was cute... and nice, and that nonstop garble or nonsense back and forth was there... and it felt good.... I don't know if I am done with undercover boyfriend, but I hope he figures his shit out before he loses me... cuz I am a rockin girl... I deserve something grand... and well if it isn't there, then lets cut our losses now, and break clean... I read an article about women should date 4 guys at once, then whittle them down as time goes on, this prevents the classic girl mistake of investing tooo much tooo soon... if juggling multiples well, there is no time for over investment... so maybe that will be my new goal... mmmm..... I accidental called an old boy toy and we started up a nice chat, maybe he can be number three... I have a massive crush on my very married trainer... ummmm he can be my make believe number four... (make believe is less complicated....)

me, proud as I taught my second class this morning, bright and so friggin early at 5:45 am.... hard to wake, much less get a class of peoples going loud and proud... but so far, sooo good... gotta take it easy the rest of the day, have to teach again tonight at 5:45 pm... and tomorrow at 5 am and then again at 9:30 am... mmm... I have to wonder out loud, what the hell did I get myself into?????

ohhhh this is what the monkeys do to the play area when I am trying to learn my routines... notice the smug-ness??? Gabi, my evil-est lil monkey, gotta love her....

What Next????

2008-01-25T06:03:00.000-08:00

whooo.... calm after the storm, or is that before?? however the saying goes... whooooo.... deep breath out... Training was like this amazing high... followed by the low... Monday, I was just irritated and tired... part of me wanted that crazy high to continue, the other half of me said, fuck girl, sit down... take a break.... what now, where do I go from here, can I start, when can I start, what comes next..... ugh......so to smoothe out the creases I resorted to my favorite therapy....retail therapy.... hit the mall with the monkeys... shopped... ate, relaxed, well as much as you can in a mall... on a cold ass day, on a day everyone is off work and school.... ok, the mall was packed, it wasn't all the fab... but the monkeys had fun... and I found a pair of originally priced $270.00 Marc Jacob shoes on final clearance for 20 bucks... I love them.... they are almost as cute as my pirate boots I got a couple weeks ago...

Struggled with Gym theatrics, can I teach, when do I teach, should I teach??? and finally some answers... The YMCA had me come in for the early morning crowd- 5:45 am which just seems sooo early to work out, too early... but as I pulled into the packed parking lot, I realized I was in the minority... that place is a busy busy place early morn... I hopped in front of a full house class... the serious folk... dead faces, serious workout people... hard to read, my eager cheerleader enthusiasm really didn't sway anyone one way or the other... but that is cool, it is really fuckin early.... I kept with it, reguardless... I am one of those people, who pushes themselves like crazy, I like being on the edge of falling into bits in a loud shattering crash... I like running so fast that I have to stop and barf along the side of the road... odd, I know but I do... I love the adreniline rush... I get goosebumps when the song starts to build, when it is pushing you to the power moves, I want the class to ride that ride with me... and if only a couple get on and scream along side me, then good... more will come along..... at the end the gym director came up and was very happy with my performance, so I was happy... tough crowd, they are all used to a certain tempo, I live in skattered chaos land... they will be
suckered/pushed/forced to enter my kingdom... one way or the other...

mmmmm other questions... I, yes me, have been seeing someone... for like 4 months now... is it love??? I don't really think so.... it is over the top fireworks, amazing sex, and hardcore porn a lympics- nope not like that either (he wishes I am sure....) but it is something.... I think I am still numb from all the boys I have loved before, cuz I just can't get into this... I just can't.... I don't even know what to do, at this point should we be exclusive? is it something that needs to be asked, or does on just fall into it... mmmm.... I just don't know... we don't seem to be merging each other into one another's lives... I wonder if we are just undercover about it all... and if that is so, does it have any hope for the future... he is nice, he is incredibly normal... tooo normal....he does mellow me out, he does sorta ground me... I do like him... but yeah I don't know...

Ohh Jetty wants you to know he likes the snow... in fact like it putting it mildly, he slept in it till it melted into a nasty muddy mess....

and why ask why about the popcorn shoe pic! doesn't everyone like the crunch of the kernals beneath thier feet??? noooo???? ooops my bad... just me....

Body Pump Training- Part 2

2008-01-20T17:48:00.000-08:00

if my body breaks into a thousand little pieces and this post never gets completed.... please remember me.... and well spread my pieces along the Pacific Coast, giving a nod to Astoria Oregon as that is where I had aspired to retire...

mmmm still together??? surprising, as I am one sore and very stiff puppy....

and one sore and stiff lil puppy holding a piece of paper- saying I completed my Body Pump training.... did I do pass it with flying colours??? nahhhh I struggled, hard... fought for it..

honestly with all I had to deal with (sick kids- the twins had the croup- which meant no sleep for me!! and never having done this type of thing before) I did my best!

I stayed motivated, I stayed strong... for a girl, very damn strong... I worked my ass off through 3 classes a day, running miles in the snow, pushing like crazy during challenges and honestly giving it my all... I struggled with tempo, the first day honestly, I never mastered much less learned my choreography. I missed lots of my cues with the first piece I had to teach... but then today, I knew my shit... I busted it out in the end... like seriously, I didn't think I had it in me to be sooo loud... complete with marine, hooo-raaahhhs and making my class work as hard as I was... I don't even know where it came from, I never scripted... I just ad libbed... and with every word, I was thinking, who the hell is this person teaching, and weird, it was me....

anyone thinking instructing this type of a class is easy shit... ohhh gawd you are wrong.. soo much to learn... choreography, tempo, technique, connecting with the crowd... cues, scripting, not scripting, and even with all that, you have to work your ass off tooo....

well, it was like awesome camp for gluttons for punishing workouts... I loved every second of it...

The Training...

2008-01-20T03:18:00.000-08:00

two days down, one to go, I am drinking my coffee, resting before I begin the mad rush to get dressed, packed and out the door... I am quite suprised with myself, taking myself out of my comfort zone on all sorts of crazy levels... a socially anxious person, with a tendency to withdraw and blend into the wallscape, I have been forced to to shake that burlap exterior and ummmm smile... to present in front of groups, to speak (literally... I don't talk to people I am normally very shy..) and to push my friggin body harder and for longer than I knew it could.. first presentation yesterday, choreography forgotten within seconds, but nobody knew.. cuz I fuckin rocked it, I guess I went into character mode, the girl who flunked theater for her lack of projection and shitty acting somehow got uber loud... and motivated... I didn't know I could motivate!! and well burnt everyone's thighs and ass into the ground.. it is easier when you know the moves, when you wing it, dude it gets hard... today I teach a chest track, and oddly I think I know it... I realized I can be me and retain my quirky self without losing myself...

and hell yeah I am wearing the tube socks..

more later...

Videodrome.. and the Mayans..

2008-01-14T06:40:00.000-08:00

I am in love with my new purse... first purse I have ever owned that I can say I love!!! I try on purses, like I try on clothes, walk a few steps backand forth in front of the mirror... judging the ratio of purse to body, body to purse... does it make me look slim (yes a purse can do that...) does it hold all my things, in a way that makes sense... will I constantly have to dig, or will I find my phone before that last ring... I hate voicemail... is it cute, will it match my all odd outfits... is it a neutral yet splashy color, does it look cheap, does it, does it, the possibilities are endless. Oddly I settled for a Andy Warhol print skulls on vibrant blue... love it... like seriously love it!!!

Help!!! I am addicted to Fruit Loops, evil cereal.. I am supposed to be in training for my Body Pump certification and instead what am I doing... PMS'ing with a giant box of cereal attached to my hip for handy snacking.. gawd... this is gonna suck.... I have been doing the running, the cardio and the lifting, and the training.... but I have counterbalanced that with excessive eating... I just think I am uber nervous.. the whole thing is quite exciting and I have a master plan for 2008, get this certification under my belt, add Pilate's and Yoga by April, Step by May and July go for the personal trainer add on... and well then there is money to be made... but I am sooo nervous it just isn't funny... I was told they video tape you- oddly I am more fearful of that than the whole physical exertion disaster... I mean really photos scare me, cause me a bit of anxiety.. but video tape me as I do stumble through this minefield... ugh... I am gonna have seriously find a focal point on the wall that is sooo special it just envelops me into a special special world that makes me feel safe and makes the evil videographers blur into the atmosphere... gawd....

ohh on the fer real front- I am up for a copy editor gig, one oddly that is willing to handle my demands as far as working from home.. a geographical restoration firm needs a tech writer to clean up their peep's chicken scratch... I have done it before, I just hate it... grammar is not my thang... and non creative writing, well I find it dull... but it is a gig, and it will look good on the ol CV... but still.... I have done the non working thing for a while, believe me I work... four kids is work indeed, but there is no structure outside of the structure I have set... I wrote a paper for my lil bro's college class this year, seriously I was just out the loop... it took me forever... all the rules, blah... ohhh well.. there are things I want this year, this would be another step in the right direction... (yes, for real I can write.... doubtful buggers...)

I am in love with Tube socks and neon tights... I have found a way to incorporate them into most everything... socks with shorts, socks with tights, tights with skirts, tights with dresses.... boots and heels.. I love winter and the layering effect... fun, fun.... socks with skirts, and boots and fingerless gloves that are fuzzy and warm... and hell if I could make them into a funky shaped hat I would... (no I wouldn't... I don't really like hats...)

well my fat ass says take me for a run, I must obey.... later luvas!

The Tube Socks.....

2008-01-07T06:45:00.000-08:00

I got tube socks for Christmas!!! Hooray.. not just these slutty 70's porn gone array version, but pink ones, and white ones with green and blue stripes.. these are just my most dramatic.. and inspired... and yes, I am still shooting mirror pics, cuz I can, and well I am sorta silly like that....

the year 2007, came and went... nothing over the top grand happened... kids got bigger and cuter and every moment with them was a wonder and now a cherished memory, our puppy went from 6 to 70 pounds in less than a year, and around Halloween we added a big mess of one to the herd.. he is a big wiggly mess but we love him.. for me well, umm life just sorta, kinda happened.... wait, I did stuff.... don't get me wrong... I went to London, which was semi-grand.. wasn't quite the trip I had in my head, but that is ok... I got an few amazing friend out of the deal, can't complain about that.. ohh yeah and a secondary one, that I adore lots and lots, and London, well... fell in love with, I think a beautiful city, got some wicked souvenirs, and the cutest summer dress I have ever seen.. I met some new people some good, some bad... did the whole date game, it sorta kinda sucked.. got some good cyber sex out of the deal, and a couple cute boys groped me and gave me sloppy kisses, I met a couple I wanted to keep and more than a few I wanted to run far far away from... but all in all it was a good waste of 30 dollars a month.. Dr. Phil is such a scam. Ohhh yeah, I went to New York with my gorgeous girl, which was a definite highlight of my like, life.. saw really tall amazing buildings, and ate the best bagels in all the land... saw an old friend that makes my knees weak for all of 2 seconds.. but still... it was good... Ummm what else... lots of drama, family problems, the tired upset of not finding love, the absolution that love the way I imagine it and think it should go doesn't actually exist... and ummm still poor as ever... soooo some amazing highlights, some minor disappointments, and lots of days of existence.. but looking back over it all, I guess it was pretty good....

2008, wonder what magical things will happen this year.. in 2 weeks I go to training to become a fitness instructor, which will be hot... yes, I plan on wearing the tube socks.... and being the most fierce instructor evvvvaaaaaah.... well the loudest... ok, I don't like to yell, the cutest? no.. doubtful... ummm well at the very least the one who wears the tube socks... hooray!!!

and what else... ummmm dunno... maybe this year I will get some ambition and some drive... and maybe I will fall in love with someone who makes me nuts...and happy.... and mabye I will take the monkeys on more than a few fabulous adventures... who knows....

Things I love.....

2007-12-19T18:01:00.000-08:00

Roxy saying a big hello to her babies... Odd, we got her about this time last year... she is a big girl now... and such a good dog!

conversations had between my girls... there is big love between these two!!!!

and after a cold day of shopping two little people would not leave the store without some brand new scarves...

and besides ditching them only to shower they have not taken them off... nightshirts and scarves... does it get any cuter????? I kinda am diggin winter, after all.....

Merry Christmas Suckas!!!!

2007-12-18T15:47:00.000-08:00

told ya I would.... pure brilliance!!!

the tantrum....

2007-12-13T05:45:00.000-08:00

the shoe, the evil, evil shoe, could not be put on... it resisted, twisting the sock, it couldn't and wouldn't fit... frustration mounting, her lil veins tensed and strained... tempers flaring, sending out shrieks and screams.. the questioning of why... why shoe why??? and finally the absolution that it would never work... run away luv, run away... find comfort in the passive waves of the telly...

shopping from A to Z

2007-12-07T10:05:00.000-08:00

in the immortal words of Toni Basil- I'm going shopping from A to Z..... or maybe American Apparel to ummm Victoria Secret and then back again.... as the more I strum about the pages of a web site the more shit I find that I wants to purchase and make my very own....

case in point- these tights! two colors... and cute... would I wear them- yes!!! I would!!! and love them I would, love them ever sooo much...

More Thinks I wantz for x-mas thyme!

2007-12-07T08:38:00.000-08:00

a tree... a white one, with pink glassy ornaments... that spins! and plays muzak!! pretty!!!!!!

(this is merely a replica- as I did not find one that spins, nor with pink ornaments... but......)

Leather Rubber - Bat

2007-12-07T05:36:00.001-08:00

This man scares me... what the hell???? I was looking for a hot man on a leash... ya know x-mas shopping and I ran across Yellow Front bubble jacket, bat man... and being a sharing girl, well I am sharing... just as a side note, I do not want him for Christmas... I don't get the rubber boots or the sock stuffed bulge... the weight lifting belt howevah???

argh!

2007-12-06T05:48:00.000-08:00

a friend just told me they had very cute dolphin shorts and tube socks at American Apparel!!! hooray Christmas shoppers, now you have direction as where to go to order me some fabulous presents!!! hooray!!!!

I just signed up for my Body Pump certification class..... ohhh yeah... gonna pump yo fuckas up!!!

gotta go burn some calories... yes I am a neurotic gym bunny!!!!

2007-12-05T04:41:00.000-08:00

hooka version of Dolphin shorts... oddly I kinda like it.... not the top so much but the high socks and shorts are cute.... with roller skates... oooooohhhhhhh.....

but..... I was thinking these would be cuter... and not sooo ummmmm sleazy...... trademark Dolphin with the white ribbing on the sides... cute, cute...

According to Wikipedia---- Dolphin shorts are an athletic style of shorts. They are notable for a visible binding of an often contrasting color, often white. The main body of the shorts are often one bright block color, but there is much color variation.
The name may refer to a side-on viewing of the binding of each leg's lower hem, resembling the shape of a dolphin tail. Like gym shorts, they often feature a cord to be tied around the waist at the front.
These were a popular trend in the 1980's fashion, particularly in the fitness and gym scene.

for all my silly muppets who thought I was getting some sort of aqua suit?????

odd parent that I am....

2007-12-04T09:25:00.000-08:00

as a wee girlie, I never aspired to ever get married (unless of course it was to Simon Le Bon or that cute, cute Nick Heyward) nor did I aspire to be a mother... and I failed at marriage but I totally love being a mom... it is indeed the best and most fun job ever.. I think I put my own lil quirky self into it 100%.... however I do get lil odd looks at my choice in lingo...

Tantrums and badness being pulled... my response and the ultimate bad being word, which they all are fooled into thinking it is the worst thing a person could be.... "You're a bad mama jama!" in which they normally cry and stopping the lil fits, sniffing, "I not a bad mama jama.... I sorry mama..."

lil monkeys trailing after me through a store... my ducks not staying in a row.... "come minions come!" and they do....

The last straw, and my patience gone, "you're sooo fired!"

I dunno... I get a kick out of the job.... it is pretty fun...

ohhhh I for the first time ever, went to a sports bar and watched football.... and I have discovered that beer, lots of beer makes everything fun... and so I watched The Patriots play some dudes in black... and only knew the quaterback from People mag reports that he had knocked up some actress and then left her for a super model... but I had fun... I really want tube socks... I really do, sooooo if anyone wanted to get me a really awesome x-mas present tube socks and dolphin shorts would be well very very nice....

taaaa daaaaa......

Nick Heyward Kite

2007-12-03T08:01:00.001-08:00

happy, happy, happy.... Nick was the cutest boy to ever walk the land... as a girlie I dreamed he would one day my ever sooo cute husband... lots of lil dreams and happy moments... the cute law boy, only called me to let me know, that he considered it all, and would rather we never spoke again, as in his mind he couldn't figure how to make it all work.... I think he was suprised I took it all in stride... pitty boy, I have stalked better than you... pitty boy, I have loved more awesome men that still make me quiver and cry... but that is another story for another day... happy song... happy thoughts... gotta be happy.... dancin monkeys give this song two fat lil thumbs up, we are flitting about the room... come join us if you will.... kisses!

Cashews and Kumquats!

2007-12-01T19:41:00.000-08:00

lemme seee...... what new and fab things are happening in my life??? Got a facial yesterday- the first time ever... and odd, I hated it... I know most women like the whole prim and pampering thing, but I really am a get dressed and go type of girl, would rather get muddy than bubbly, and would rather get down and dirty than cuddle... I know I am an odd creature... During the whole facial event, I think the woman told me to unclench my jaw like 7 times, as I do not enjoy people I don't want to fuck all touching on me... I don't know if that makes me sound slutty or frigid.. I just don't like people all massaging my face... yuck, and creepy. Why the facial then you ask... it was my odd step father's attempt for my mother and I to have some bonding time- something we both resist at all costs... why? we are very different creatures... we haven't bonded yet, it ain't gonna happen over a spa day... we tried some shopping after, it was a bust, she said she needed work clothes... I took all my Tim Gunn advice and What not to Wear philosophy's and stock piled her dressing room with things that honestly looked great on her... but she hated them all, and finally bought a blazer and a shirt just to shut me up... blah... Took along Marisa who was a great compadre in the macob of mother daughter fake bonding... love my lil monkey, she see's my angst and makes it all better... During the facial she reached out and held my hand, she said my toes were clenched in my lil leopard skin ballet slippers.... love my shoes, can you tell??? and my Marisa is truly my best friend in the world.. I am thankful that she and I have that bond... I missed that growing up, I ever soo glad history does not indeed need repeat itself...

ummmm, going to start my certification process to teach Body Pump in January.. I finally got the balls to talk to instructors and the head of gym, to say I would love to be an instructor, and surprise (big ass surprise) to me, they were very supportive, in fact excited that I want to... I am gonna be sooo fierce, gonna scream at everyone... and have already decided that tube socks and pig tails will be my trade mark... yup, gonna be soooo cute.... and obnoxious...

Not much else, the purple carpet looks ever soooo gorgeous and I am knee deep in painting.. pretty mocha and a white.. I will post pics soon..... ok, maybe now....

went to see The Mist- which is odd, and scary and disturbing, but yes, see it.... my date said that in a mob mentality, I would most likely be the first to be sacrificed???? He is an odd boy... I turned and looked at him, raised eyebrow, and asked why??? he said, "cuz you are annoying... I like you and all, I think you are cool, but I get the impression most people just find you annoying, so yeah, you would soooo be sacrificed..." fucker... what the hell?? and he wonder why I get mad at him....

2007-11-24T06:20:00.000-08:00

oohhhhhh snap..... the boy I like, and kinda once upon a time stalked.... called me back... crazy huh???? I missed the call, of course, but he called me back... He prob wanted to call me to tell me, he is officially putting out the restraining order, but regardless, he called me, he called me.....

I am lame, I know.....

on a brighter more real note, gonna get some fabulous purple carpet today! they have a giant roll at the Home Depot that they got by accident and they are selling cheap! sooooo........ I like purple and purple living room, will be soon coming to my home!!! Horray!

ok... and my dog is in heat... and we didn't think Jetty our new pup could get her preggers cuz his anatomy has not ummmm.... sorta let's say descended... untill well yesturday... fuck I may be a puppy grandma... before I had planned too....

that is all....

Conversation tid bits and random junk...

2007-11-23T13:32:00.000-08:00

Hey, it has been forever.... how are you?

Gawd, I a little bit of everything, ya know..... finally got up the nerve to introduce myself to the heads of the two gyms I attend, and will now be training towards my certification to teach Body Pump and other assorted gym classes, come January.... busy with the monkeys, and dude, totally got another dog.. He is awesome... Kids are huge and babies are soo growing up... crazy...
and you???

School, busy, killing me, but almost done...

That is awesome, before ya know it you will be done, and life will be grand...

yeah.... I hope...

soo glad I called, hoping I would catch you, home for the holidays..

yeah, I am glad you called too, sorry about everything from before... it was a tiny bit of madness...

well, I take blame for the madness, I kinda bring that with me to the table... sorta my calling card..

ummmm is that a good thing??

ummm, no prob not...

all good.. we should try and see each other while I am in town...

totally...

yeah, totally made up, I got the machine.... but that is sorta kinda how I saw it going in my head...

one my third, "sorry love, akward news.... I have fallen in love with another" seriously..... it happened again... least this time the bloke was only around the bend... mmmm...... I don't get it... I was gutted for 2 seconds and then just sorta sat there, thinking back to the couple other times I read that line... and well this time barely stung.. I think I am beginning to just not care...

Another boy hurt my feelings when his final line after going to lunch with me and the twins was, "thanks for reminding me, why I don't want kids" they weren't even bad... (well minus Gabi pitching a fit when I wouldn't buy her a rubic's cube a Barnes and Nobles, but that is normal everyday 2 year old stuff).....

blah.... had a great thanksgiving! cooked the whole lot all by my lonesome, and had a grip of people over and then cleaned it all up... 4 pounds heavier this morning... fuck!

Feeling Itchy....

2007-11-08T06:07:00.000-08:00

it is taking me every ounce of strength I have in my lil being to not call/email/stalk the law student boy, that I went ga-ga for back a couple of months ago.... ugh... alas that will never be, and I will always lack the self control that it takes to not drop that odd random stalkerific email that I really want to drop.... why?? I mean why would I do that to myself... in the strange world that I live in, all things that need to be said, must be said regardless of how ridiculous they make me sound... and I know, I can be quite ridiculous at times... fuck... but really and truly I think all girls are like this, I just have no shame in saying so... Thanksgiving is coming up and I know he will be back in town... and I think that is why I am nuts over it... every other boy has failed... either failed in becoming a real material relationship, or failed in being that really grand connection that I really really want... I could settle for the overly controlling opinionated southern boy that calls me way to much... but I wouldn't be happy... I could use and totally rule over the NYC transplant that has a book deal and manages an up and coming star but well, ewwww he is really gross, or I could keep chasing the older guy who seems to get me and like me .. but well that would be a waste of time, it will never amount to anything... but taking this break from dating has been good... I like me better minus the drama and crap. But I still really want to email the law student boy... he is just the cutest thing in the world.... can't I please, pretty pretty please?????

aside from momentary lapses in reason.... all is well... we finally got rid of all the Halloween Candy, hit up all the clearance and now have even more horrible Halloween decorations and costumes for next year... hooray!!!

The doggies are all adjusted and happy, happy.... the temps have dropped and it is now quite cold at night... the pups are sharing a dog house to keep warm... cute.. cute...

The Morning After.....

2007-11-01T04:43:00.000-07:00

tired me, soooo exhausted..... yesterday was a busy, busy day! Roxy wanted a friend... we obliged and she is one happy pup now!!! Poor new puppy, has been mauled, chewed on and tackled more than he could have ever expected but he doesn't seem to hate it... soooo.... welcome to the family Jet Rockett! Yup, that is indeed what the monkeys named the lil guy... He is gorgeous though, all white Siberian Husky, one brown eye, one patchwork blue/green/grey eye.. pretty, pretty dog.... The wee monkeys and I drove an hour to his home to pick him up, Gabi ran from the car, hugged him right away and said, "I love you Jetty, you come home with me!" Gio ran around the woman's yard, with the leash and collar, completely not caring about the dog... whatever's my lil man had his mind set on Halloween.... We drove the long haul home, and mixed him in with the pack, Gabi played in her pirate playhouse with him, and everyone got nice and nasty in the sand box... cute!!!

The twins are still sleeping off the candy high they were on last night... they ran from house to house, beggin for candy, and treats... they filled their lil baskets til they were too heavy to carry and then wanted more.. Gio and Chris ran full blast, it was hard to keep up with them, poor Gabi ran through the yards, her lil arms strained from the weight of the candy, she ran yelling, "owww, owwwww, owwww!" finally hobbling up the stairs to always be the last lil monkey to scream Trick or Treat at unsuspecting neighbors. She wouldn't venture near anyone's house if it was overly decorated or "spoooooooky." Marisa not being too old yet, was a great helper, as it took two this year to keep my lil pack organized... They all came home, ate toooo much and then twitched and turned as they were forced to go to bed around midnight... I know, slap my hands, bad mom, bad! I know they have school... but whatcha gonna do it only comes once a year!!!

Happy Halloween!!!!

2007-10-29T05:13:00.000-07:00

The Monkeys insisted.... really.....

Finally got the B and W's from NYC developed

2007-10-29T05:06:00.000-07:00

It only took me forever but I finally dropped off the film I took in NYC to get developed... wierd doing that, does anyone do that anymore.... I dig my old camera... It won't let me do everything I want to do, and gave me hell the entire trip. Lenses that wouldn't stay put, manual that only let me do certain things... but in the end, I dig the pics... so wierd to not glance at a lil screen and say, aww this one sucks ass, delete and do again, but in still I missed the days of the suprise... suprises are good....

A couple pics of the monkeys....

2007-10-29T04:50:00.000-07:00

Halloween!!!

2007-10-28T06:57:00.000-07:00

The Monkeys did the obligatory Halloween festivities last night... carved the pumpkins... tried on the costumes...partied till dawn and slept in masks... can't wait to watch their lil booties run from house to house beggin for candy.... awwwww...... fun, fun!!! ohhh the monkeys totally designed their own pumpkins drew the designs they wanted, all I did was carve... I am totally diggin this years results!

His response....

2007-10-25T16:42:00.001-07:00

he responded quite quickly... I will miss him, he seemed to get me... that doesn't come along all that often... most of the time guys humor me, want to fuck me, or well avoid me at all cost... I don't have too many that totally get me... it was nice.. if even just for a tiny, tiny moment... I feel sad now, and once again alone.. but self preservation is a bitch and I just can't let all the walls down only get so hurt that maybe one day I can't recover.. I tired... very tired....

Part of what makes you extraordinary is your ability to cull all of your senses together to a fine point, and then communicate them as effectively as you do. There's nothing that I can say to improve on what you've expressed here. You deserve that 'high climber,' and I'm a person who hasn't even climbed up to greet himself yet. I am new to me, along with all surroundings. You were very brave to let me peek at your world. You were equally brave to show me your vulberability. It's extra tough for someone with your degree of intelligence and passion to filter out all of the static, but you are right to focus all of the courage and love that you can, and do, on those incredible children of yours. I hate hearing about your Mom's antics and I hope that a solution can be found that empowers you as a parent/guide/soldier/individual/poet/child. Do not wobble into the darkness, do not become disconnected from your own inner child, do not forget to take truly good care of yourself, do be your best ally, do pray to whomever might listen, do be very proud of all of the incredible things that you, Laura, have accomplished. You are one helluva' fighter.

it was nice Laura...

I think that was a perfect closing... anything else said would be pointless...

I want to be the one you climbed so high to find....

2007-10-24T16:32:00.000-07:00

I just ended my short lil affair with the older guy.... why??? cuz I was beginning to like him, like really like him... and it is just such yet another case of bad timing... anyhoo... I like the letter, I wish people ended it with me with such clearness... how did this all come about?? Ahem, my son asked him, if he was going to marry his mother and be his step father, it spawned an awkward conversation between the two of us, that basically ended in him saying, I like you, just don't like you like that, but would love to continue seeing you... which made no sense at all... not to me at least.. I think I am grand, cute and fun, playful and thoughtful, intelligent and wise. I take care of myself and am mildly but not overwhelmingly independent, I leap with my heart wide open every time, and am quick to brush myself off, when there is no one there to catch me, I get up, smile an awkward smile and start again. I brush my teeth and shower, and even wear deodorant and clean clothes, not afraid to kill a cockroach and will walk a thousand miles, if I only knew you cared enough to make it worth the journey... and soo......

mmmm, taking me a few moments to wrap my head around this one... but I guess just gonna say what ever it is that is meant to be said.. I did have a sit down with my lil big man, and asked him about what he said... and I explained about how men and women can be friends without it having to mean anything more... and I watched his lil face agree, just to agree, and to end an otherwise awkward conversation and it felt like deja vu, to our phone call.... where I really didn't know what to say, other than to agree just to make it end.. maybe if you hadn't been sooo comfortable with them... it wouldn't seem like it was such a nice fit.. maybe if you weren't so good at listening and understanding, I wouldn't be soo comfortable and cozy next to you... and at the same token very uncomfortable... as it appears to be a bad thing to get too close to people. I have canceled my match membership, and am not going to date for a while... after my last outing, it became clear this wasn't working... I can't sacrifice my kids happiness for my own... Marisa was very much destroyed the last time.... it turned out that my mother slapped her, like chased her down, pulled her hair and slapped her, and it brought back a world of childhood memories for me... ones I can't put my babies through... and to be honest I can't and shouldn't let people in, who don't really want to be in... ya know... you are getting your feet wet again, taking those tender steps out into the world again... I think I have been merely a step along the way, I don't want to be a stepping stone for anyone, I want to be the one that you climbed so high to find... I thought about this last night... I don't think it is in our best interest to see each other again... I want something you can't give me... and you need to find yourself amongst the rubble.. you will and I will just not with each other..

it was nice.....

The end... and so ends my bit of dating... new adventures await... not sure what they are... but I hope I get to dress up and look cute in them....

I may need a match patch, but I will survive.....

2007-10-23T05:55:00.000-07:00

soo you ask??? what is going on with me??? nothing really sorta kinda dropping out for a bit, the dating game has gotten old, and I am gonna take my two and two and be back in a bit (yes I know that was Chuck's line from Love Connection but I can use it too... shut up!) I guess I haven't been getting what I want or need out of dating, so maybe I need a break... sure it is glamorous (Macaroni Grill???) and exciting (driving far distances for a beer) and sexy (no panties were dropped in my ventures) but at that same time, I wasn't in it for the excitement or the potential for really hot sex... (ok, I lie, I totally wanted some of that, but all my male counter parts were not potentially hot sex partners) I really wanted to meet someone grand, who blew me away with the prospect of a really great relationship... but alas the ones who liked me, I didn't like back and the ones I liked didn't like me like that... soooooo.... ahem...... I also realized it was not the best scenario for my kids.... they hate grandma watching them, she hates babysitting and is well, mean to them... the one guy I did introduce to them, they loved.... and he was a bit too comfortable with them and it sent a thousand flares into the sky... and caused me great concern...

sooooo I am gonna refocus on other things.. like what you ask??? ummm masturbation, practicing my soft porn facial shots in the mirror, trying new types of cooking, bought myself a pro kitchen aid mixer: gonna annoy the shit out of everyone this Christmas with cookies and such, weekend outings and building traditions with the monkeys... maybe a hobby or two, going back to school full time next fall gonna teach I think, getting the hell outta hear, and stuff like that.... not throwing in the towel, not giving up, just taking a break... it isn't working.... ohh well..... just need a lil break for a month or two or 6....

Why can't I play with Highland Cows...

2007-10-22T16:14:00.000-07:00

Babies and limits don't mix... someone wanted to play with the Highland Cows...
and join the parade of the clans... and pretty much declare her independance all over the place...

I blame the Scots... but not these Scots cuz they was fiiiiiiiinnnnnne!

The Highland Games takes over Stone Mountain Park once a year, decent enough fun for all.. we ate lots.. bought tooo much, and caught a few events.. there would be more pics, but I spent a lot of time chasing Lil Miss Independent....

cuz it is cool....

2007-10-22T05:55:00.000-07:00

here and there, a bit of everywhere.....

2007-10-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

blue is the way to go.... I think.... I like.....

shaking up the etch a sketch and starting new...

Happy Halloween....

2007-10-17T08:14:00.001-07:00