I want to be the one you climbed so high to find....

I just ended my short lil affair with the older guy.... why??? cuz I was beginning to like him, like really like him... and it is just such yet another case of bad timing... anyhoo... I like the letter, I wish people ended it with me with such clearness... how did this all come about?? Ahem, my son asked him, if he was going to marry his mother and be his step father, it spawned an awkward conversation between the two of us, that basically ended in him saying, I like you, just don't like you like that, but would love to continue seeing you... which made no sense at all... not to me at least.. I think I am grand, cute and fun, playful and thoughtful, intelligent and wise. I take care of myself and am mildly but not overwhelmingly independent, I leap with my heart wide open every time, and am quick to brush myself off, when there is no one there to catch me, I get up, smile an awkward smile and start again. I brush my teeth and shower, and even wear deodorant and clean clothes, not afraid to kill a cockroach and will walk a thousand miles, if I only knew you cared enough to make it worth the journey... and soo......

mmmm, taking me a few moments to wrap my head around this one... but I guess just gonna say what ever it is that is meant to be said.. I did have a sit down with my lil big man, and asked him about what he said... and I explained about how men and women can be friends without it having to mean anything more... and I watched his lil face agree, just to agree, and to end an otherwise awkward conversation and it felt like deja vu, to our phone call.... where I really didn't know what to say, other than to agree just to make it end.. maybe if you hadn't been sooo comfortable with them... it wouldn't seem like it was such a nice fit.. maybe if you weren't so good at listening and understanding, I wouldn't be soo comfortable and cozy next to you... and at the same token very uncomfortable... as it appears to be a bad thing to get too close to people. I have canceled my match membership, and am not going to date for a while... after my last outing, it became clear this wasn't working... I can't sacrifice my kids happiness for my own... Marisa was very much destroyed the last time.... it turned out that my mother slapped her, like chased her down, pulled her hair and slapped her, and it brought back a world of childhood memories for me... ones I can't put my babies through... and to be honest I can't and shouldn't let people in, who don't really want to be in... ya know... you are getting your feet wet again, taking those tender steps out into the world again... I think I have been merely a step along the way, I don't want to be a stepping stone for anyone, I want to be the one that you climbed so high to find... I thought about this last night... I don't think it is in our best interest to see each other again... I want something you can't give me... and you need to find yourself amongst the rubble.. you will and I will just not with each other..

it was nice.....

The end... and so ends my bit of dating... new adventures await... not sure what they are... but I hope I get to dress up and look cute in them....