last friday.....

my ex-husband denies he drunk dialed me a few nights ago.... says it wasn't in his call records therefore must not be true.... whatever.... he is an ass, and I deal with him purely for the sake of the kids.... he showed up for a few random moments last week... caught me on the eve, of a wicked case of stomach virus/food poisoning, not sure which, all I know was, I was barfing up bile and veggies all night... anyhoo, he comes into town, with his lil negative cloud, and visits the kids.... he hangs out for about 1.5 hours and then claims tiredness and goes off to bed... they all become emotional and he doesn't understand why.... how does one not understand why??? how???? I hate what he does to their lil perfect hearts, I hate how he makes them feel, I hate how he makes me feel... he paces my living room floor, looking at the photos I have taken of the kids, black and whites, I am quite proud of them, they bring forth the quiet spirit that lays underneath all the chaos that is children... their lil tiny souls show in these pics, and I lovingly display them... He comments, "looks like you copied your dad's pics" ummmm.... growing up in a competitive household, that comment cuts... deep... and my pride just stripped... as if I had deliberately copied a certain style... and those are no longer my own... whatever... his lil tricks to gain the upper hand... he plays with the kids, they all compete for space next to him on the couch... it is quite sad... I sit on the other couch, intermittently having to excuse myself to barf and gag.... my kids, unsure what or how to move from minute to minute... I have said it was ok, for him to crash in the guest room upstairs... he excuses himself to go to bed, and all four ask to cuddle with me, in my warm big bed... my stomach growls out loud, and I wrap my wings around them and bring them near... they all sleep restless, lil arms and legs hitting me, and then reaching out to draw me near... Morning comes and he doesn't rise to wish them off to school... not a surprise, same old Anthony, too self absorbed to notice the lil things that mean so much... He comes down the steps, 20 minutes later, and says he is on his way out, has to be 30 minutes away in about 4 hours but ya never know how traffic will be...???? whatever, just leave... he cares merely for what the lil ones look like, are they pretty enough to show off, are do they have the features that look like his own... not what ticks and tocks on the inside.. not the lil broken hearts that pitter pat in the middle of the night, not the pieces that must be glued back together again... what will I do, if I ever run out of paste?? I spend extra time since his dismissal reading story books at night, helping with new found confusion that is the division of fractions and tending to my twin monkey's love of cooking, they got colourful spatulas and practiced making cookie crumbs last night...I have given up on dating once again, as I began to wonder if it was affecting my oldest boy.... he seemed concerned and brought up the concept of ex boyfriends a few too many times... I think an all or nothing type of venture would be the only effect that would work, as it just seems to easy to change a mind, a fancy or to play games with one's head... I only want to be happy, to give my monkeys a full and happy life... it just seems soo hard to make it all work sometimes, that sooo many outside, inside and destructive lil factors seem to work against my lil master plan...