Who says, I don't need it???

Big Poppa says, I am a cool chick who, doesn't need a commercialized day like Valentine's day to feel loved. Bullshit..... yeah I do... and on this pink and crappy day, I would actually really like that.... it would actually really be nice for once to actually have someone, fuck anyone buy me something all girly and cute, and pink, with those lil crap lace heart cut outs and bows and ribbons and such.... color me bitter, but on reflecting back over my thirty six years of life, I have actually never gotten a valentines day gift, from a man... (not counting the lovely things my monkeys make me, but we are not talking about them.....) I was married- still nope, I got drunk husband on the couch who thought it would be a great gift if I blew him while he listened to latin music and dreamt about other girls, far far away... I dated, but always dated shitty broke guys... this year I am realizing I am done with sorta kinda boyfriend after our late night conversation on Monday... we sat cuddled on the couch watching some travel channel holiday excursion to Hawaii, and it was pretty cool, there are some fun things to do there, I sooooo want to go, so I casually blurt out, "we should go to hawaii..." only to be met with, "who? us? together, like at the same time??" and me kinda dumbfounded says, "yeah, it looks awesome!" "why, why would we do that?" he bluntly responds... "cuz vacations rock!" I roll my eyes, already knowing where this is going... He goes into a little speal, telling me, I am cute and all, but he can only stand to be with me for short amounts of time, "you are cool for a couple of hours, four tops but I don't think I could handle you for more than that" and he says, I am "too excitable and talk too much" I take a deep breath, and say, "yeah you can go home now, we are near that two hour mark".... and realize prob the last time I will see him... ex-husband found me annoying too... that my goofy inpromptu dances and excitement for life, were embarrassing and irritated him... and so I sulk, and I am beginning to think that 36 years of not a single valentine declaration or gift, hand-made, man-made or cut from carbon metals, might kinda be a reflection of myself... and yes this sounds soooo totally self loathing and sad, but still..... I mean for real.... I don't think I am all that crappy of a girlfriend, wife, hell a random fuck, but it does not seem as if I all that worthy of a gift, a card, or a fucking doily pasted on a piece of cardboard crap with some sappy sentiment printed in black bold ink... or flowers, I have actually never ever gotten flowers... or one of those pretty candy hearts with chocolates...

yup, I am grumpy.....

and I look fat today....

need a nap....