go fish, I have no knights....

I have no knights, not a single one....

eruption at my place, massive mess.... nearly a year of pushing me tooo far, all in one moment, I toppled to the other side... I just couldn't take it anymore... my face flushed and anger took over.... if you have followed my mess, I have an evil stepfather that for the last year has sneakily flirted and annoyingly tried to gain my attention... But I have always thought he was a raging prick.. since the first moment I met him, so his advances are always met with me being completely disagreeable and clear, with the stick drawing the line in the sand... but still it has continued, and me being a very very non confrontational type of person, dealt with it, suppressed all the frustration and anger, and didn't want to cause my mother any pain... and in an effort of self preservation, didn't want it turned on me, as if it was my fault... and so for the last year, I coped, and avoided, and somehow, me wanting to just be left alone was turned into me somehow being the bad guy... me making him uncomfortable, me being mean to him... he bitched to my mother, and I dealt with her being angry at me for being soooo "horrible" to him...

and sooo yesterday, after yet another annoying text from the prick, I wrote, "I am sick of the passive aggressive bullshit, I am sick of being made to feel massively uncomfortable, please just leave me alone!" which he had the nerve to call my mother and tell her, how horrible I am.... and as my phone rang, her screaming at me, I lost it, and I told her... I told her about the love letters and the presents and all the shit I have had to deal with.... and I was met with silence, and then a request for proof... and as I sat there, sorting through emails, and sending it all, I had my first major panic attack... my right side frozen in pain, pain that was so ridiculous, I was convinced I was having a heart attack, my heart rate sooo fast I couldn't control it, my head becoming dizzy, and I felt as if I couldn't get enough oxygen, I sat still, not sure what was happening... and ever soo scared... I can feel my body fading into the same dizzy feeling as I type this... I hate this... I hate it all....

even after it was all said and done, she rationalized his behavior, "men get confused" and "I knew this was a risk letting you live here..." and somehow I didn't really get the impression that she cared... that she cared about how ridiculous this has been for me, or that she cared that her husband is a selfish asshole... and now my life is even more uncomfortable... and I hate it all the more....

and what I kinda hate even more is that of the two men that I see on a regular basis, both of which know the score, upon request neither of them, could keep me company that night... to just make me feel safe... and be there in some sort of capacity, to make me feel better.... and I felt even more alone... I realized I am on an island by myself, me and the monkeys... and I really need to fasten a raft and escape...